Ever since I was younger, I was kind of a
difficult child. I got into a lot of trouble whether at home, at school or and
outside of school. I remember her and I know who my mother is but she always
had one leg in, and one leg out of my life.
When I was about 4 years old, I began to get
worst. I’d fight my brothers and sisters, other students in my class, and
people on the outside also. Teachers started to call
constantly more than 5 times a week. One Monday morning, I was in pre-school
and my principle called home and said “Asia is usually easy to handle but today, this isn’t Asia.” From that day on my mother kept me home. I always wondered why home
for me wasn’t the same for my siblings. Why I went home to my grandmas, yet my
sister’s lived with my mom and my brother lived with my father. Although there
were good times, the bad always out weight the good. My Grandma was sick and
had gotten worst.
My younger sister Kyra and were I were just
a year & a few months apart. She’s really who I played with the most and
spent most of my time with.
On
this day, I can’t exactly remember what I was upset about but, I can remember
her cry. She was crying so loud I just knew my mom had heard. I knew I was in trouble;
I stabbed my sister in the eye with a flathead screw driver and it was so close
to hitting her actual eye. At that moment I just knew I was in trouble. I don’t
even remember why or what had made me do what I did to her. I was scared, and I
felt so bad just couldn’t understand why I did what I had done. “She could’ve
been hurt badly, she could’ve lost her eyesight”; that’s all I could think to
myself.
Days went by and I wasn’t too much in
trouble but my mom seemed worried. I had been staying with my mom for some time
because my grandma was admitted into the hospital.
Whenever I’d go out with my mom we’d go
shopping or somewhere nice, yet on this day it was something different. We
walked into this big place. It looked just like the hospital where I visited my
grandma, but it wasn’t. “Are we visiting Grandma Ma?” I asked, “No, I’m just
taking you for a checkup”, She responded. Too young to understand, I just
thought to myself “what was wrong” I felt ok, tummy didn’t hurt, wasn’t
coughing and I was just confused.
I heard my Name being called and my mom
grabbed my arm and jumped right up. We sat down in the little room. An older
man with grey hair and glasses walked in, Sat at his desk and immediately
proceeded with his questions. He asked my name like 4 times, Asked me “When is
your birthday, When were you born, what is your date of birth?” He asked me in
plenty different ways to confused me but I answered them all the same. Then,
things got personal, and asked my mom to step out. He asked me questions about
my feelings. He wanted to know what made me upset, sad, and happy and I
answered them all truthfully. He was all done with all his crazy questions and
I was ready to go home, but my mom said we had to wait. Two ladies walked up,
one with scrubs on another dressed regularly and pulled my mom aside. The two
women exchanged a few words with my mom one walked away and the one dressed in
scrubs stood aside. I seen my moms head just drop and from behind I can tell
she was crying. The lady called me her way and my mom squatted down to me and
said “You have to stay here a few days, Mommy’s not going to leave, Every night
I’ll be in that parking lot waiting on you and they’re going to take care of
you here”. I was scared I didn’t want to stay there and I thought my mom had
the option of just taking me home. Yet she didn’t.
I missed everyone my brothers, sisters,
and the one person I missed the most was my grandma. She was sick and I
couldn’t see her, touch her, and kiss her, nothing. I couldn’t understand how
my mom can leave me there or why she didn’t at lease try to take me home.
I was only there a week and it felt like
years, decades. I barely ate or showered and hardly ever spoke to anyone. I was
hurt, and I somewhat resented my mother for that, yet I didn’t speak on that
because it was time for me to go home and I wasn’t worried about anything else.
It was the week before my brother’s
birthday and my grandmother had gotten worst. I was staying with my father now
so I was at the hospital more often than usual because my dad understood the
bond we shared and knew I hadn’t seen her. “Dad what’s all those tubes for “I
asked “Those tubes are to help grandma breath” he responded. I knew it was
serious because my grandma didn’t use any of that at home, especially to
breath.
August 27th,
2005 my mother got a phone
call from the hospital and they wanted her there immediately. She was gone, my
grandma was gone. She was my heart, the only person who truly understood me,
when my mom tried to make me take those medications, my grandma didn’t let her.
My world felt empty and so did my heart. After the funeral and the situation
died down a little bit, I hardly saw my mom and sisters. I felt some
disconnection, as if something wasn’t right. My family was falling apart and I
understood more because I was getting older. My mom wasn’t herself. She wasn’t
working anymore, she was depressed and act as if she didn’t care for anything
no longer.
I turn 18 in just a few months. My
mindset is different and I understand a lot of things that go on because I’m
older now. But I still find myself asking why? I still can’t understand why my
mom didn’t try hard enough or why she doesn’t try now. Forget the past I can’t
get that back, but now and the future why not try? I miss our bond and I want
that back as bad as I want my grandma back...
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